gift horses

Today I am updating passwords and breathing peppermint. Cheers. I am not drinking enough water. The weather is lousy, but not threatening, and the rainy wind didn't need to be an excuse to not go pick up my new sneakers or buy fresh fruit, but I let it be. I've been playing with bras that close in the front and eye makeup and have been disliking my hair. You know, Saturday stuff. Later there's a birthday party and a show in a bar and I can drink and smile and move from side to side and admire the boy up on stage.

I'll be married to that boy five weeks from right now. The only bridal shower I've known about in time to anticipate (for good or bad) is going to happen tomorrow--opening presents in front of a room, there should be a class for this. I actually feel GUILTY about it, the positive attention. I know that this is a problem and I know I should get it into my head that I am worth the fuss, and that people like to make a fuss over weddings, so I should let them, and happily. But, lord. There has already been such a fuss, and the big guns have not yet come out! Weddings are such a racket, and I'm surprised by how lavish they can be and how lavishly generous everyone has been to us. Every time a positive RSVP comes in from a great distance I am suffused with wanting to assure them that they don't really have to come if it's an inconvenience. Are they sure I'm worth the trip?!
A wedding seems like a bizarre sort of exemption to the fairness of life. It's not fair to those on the outside. The outside is not fair. Oh, get out of the gift horse's mouth, April. I'm going to need to at least figure out how to act like I deserve all this fooferaw, in a grateful way. I AM grateful, that's the thing. I am so grateful for all the blessings being poured on me but I feel as if the pourers must not really understand what they're doing, who they're showering. It's just me. S and I don't need to be coddled and spoiled and applauded to marry each other. We would anyway.
...This attitude of mine does not gibe well with how often I've been checking our wedding registry site to see if more of the items on our list have been purchased. Heh.