ZINNIAS

Zinnias, stout and stiff,
Stand no nonsense: their colors
Stare, their leaves
Grow straight out, their petals
Jut like clipped cardboard,
Round, in neat flat rings.

Even cut and bunched,
Arranged to please us
In the house, in water, they
Will hardly wilt--I know
Someone like zinnias; I wish
I were like zinnias.

~Valerie Worth

getting used to things

Today, it's a year of the virus that has been the biggest bitch, ever. A year! I haven't said much (or said much at all) about it lately because... uh. We're all just tired. I do kind of think I'm getting my feet under me again, because I always think that. But I've also been keeping track of the days that suck so much they make me cry, and there have been only four so far this month. There were seven in September. And believe it or not, two whole days this month during which I felt perfectly normal from morning til night (!!). So, it's better. I still can't do anything. I'm still spending most of my free time on the couch. Not strong or steady enough to walk or bike to work. I'm getting quite puffy because of it. But I am pretty confident in my ability to tough out the normal stuff. My days are no longer a constant battle to make it to the next hour. And I haven't let not feeling well keep me away from doing the kinds of social things healthy April loves. So. Screw it. I do feel better when I think I feel better. I keep trying that.

I'm really happy with a few things about myself, including my eyelashes and my feet.

And a patron just dropped off a 3 lb box of assorted cookies for me as a thank you.

I am reminding myself that I am flexible and adaptable, despite the fact that I resist change with a growling, toe dragging fervor. Who I am is changing. Work is changing. My plans are changing. And I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I get used to things. It's my superpower. I get used to things.

bent on undoing

I had a dentist appointment today and so afterward I found myself drinking cherry coke. That's like me.

I am feeling work stress. I am feeling wronged. I am feeling lucky, anyway.

genius

The best/worst thing in my life these days is the discovery that I am capable of making absolutely killer homemade pizza hotpockets.

in portents

I dismiss everything as a coincidence these days. It's kind of the opposite of what I normally do. I'm not sure if it's proving helpful. Finding portents in the way the traffic flows and in almond milk and in the color of the carpet keeps me occupied, at the very least. But it's also a bit of a victory to not blame the half mile's jog.

I probably shouldn't have

Stopped at BK for a smoothie on the way home from work because I was grumpy

Gotten my hopes up about dumb things like... recovery

Watched five episodes of American's Next Top Model in one evening

Called out my mother-in-law on the {offensive} political vitriol she posts on facebook

Worn the same pair of disposable contact lenses for two months in a row, even after they started hurting

Written that sarcastic, jokey email that got forwarded to my boss and makes me look like a glib dumbass

Put off keeping in touch with my semi surrogate mother because I... because I... keep running out of things...

what even is that

Cake from the deep freeze still tastes like the day of the wedding, and feeding each other. There's another one--a wedding--this evening, even in the middle of the week. Stealing the spotlight from the president and his challenger (in my mind).

I misfired on Sunday/Monday and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. My eyes are still drooping shut and I'm trying to release the tension in my neck and cheeks. It's like the boys living a floor below us and their booming bass below our bed--even when it's not keeping me awake, I'm bracing for it. Tense, in case I have a reason to be so. This is 90% in my body. I am 90% handling it/not crazy. The other 10 is usually tears and huddling discomfortably under a blanket, but that's down from I'd say, 60, a few months ago. I wonder if it's food? Allergic to my tooth fillings? Allergic to my muscles? We still don't know, and the only thing we found last week when we looked in my head again were swollen membranes. What even is that.

Husband looks good in the new tie I bought him.

I can literally dress for days in clothes that my best friend handed down to me. I'm wearing her underwear today, and it's not weird. I benefit wildly from her long torso and the shirts and pants that don't quite hit right when they've shrunk up. I need to keep reminding myself to give back in turn (not clothes, but company, and encouragement, and warm ears). I am scent-oriented, and always have been, so there are times when I don't want to wash the sweater she gives me, because it still smells like her brand of spice and green things.

This is something that is bringing me a lot of happiness and nourishment these days. It's hard not to respect it. You should try. 

bragging

Oh my man. I've been married to you for a year. And it is not ridiculous to assume that I'm going to keep loving you incrementally more every single day of my life, because that's what's been happening so far. You frustrate me sometimes, and you can bewilder me with your man-logic and your collection of paradoxes, but oh, do I ever love you, all of you. You are empowering and patient and brilliant, and sometimes when we're lying in bed talking, you make me laugh so hard I can't breathe. You are music and dance and passion. You are something to be proud of and someone to delight in. My favorite thing about you is your empathy and the part in you that never ever tries to 'fix' my emotions--instead you celebrate my humanity and your own, never trying to shape either of us into anything artificial. You're very real. Practical and solid. You fit me so well, and you love me so well, and I wish there were a way to just let everyone know that this guy here? You know how great he is with friends/at work/with family? Well. You haven't seen the half of it. You should see what he is when he is in full on husband mode. He is absolutely stunning. I love you, babe.