I've noticed that lately I've been saying, 'Of course!' instead of 'You're welcome'.
I had a pot of mint in my backseat and was a bit too sweaty to be talking about book recommendations, but I just keep getting asked. Of course, anyway.
6.26.2014
6.25.2014
this is full of parentheses
I'm feeling a solid iron rod lodged in my chest today. I spent a few days righteously sweating (a friend moved and I was there to be a lifter and encourager, I mountain goated up a humid mountain, I'm getting close to feeling my old rhythm at the Monday evening community band summer concerts), and then after that I spent a restless night worrying about things that have not happened yet (and may never happen) with S's family, and then I get stuck in a memory hole, and then I sat on a cookie, and then I reach a Wednesday noon full of a solid pressing down. It's gravity, it's feeling a little out of my depth in a few relationships, it's not being sweet and kind (me), and not slowing down (you). I feel like a turtle! I am glacial and solid and bitey. I can't keep worrying about things I can't fix (I can). I can't keep comparing myself to alternate reality April (I can). I can't keep asking for re-dos (I can). I can't last through this next interminable year of school and basements and being observed (I can, I can, I must).
6.20.2014
6.18.2014
imprinting
My husband and I spent a while talking a few days ago about what happens when someone is poisonous and prickly to hide a soft gooey center. Sometimes I feel like I'm the opposite of that, and almost all of the time I don't know how tell. I struggle sometimes with being able to identify others' anxieties and faux-courage because I get stuck looking at my own. How do you get better at not giving up on someone who requires you to have a thick skin so you're there long enough to get past their own thick skin?
He also startled me by telling (or reminding) me just who he was when we first started dating, and telling me what it meant to him that I was me. I think we can chalk our entire contented and companionable and hilarious relationship to the weird combination of the people we were five years ago. He was a blank slate, not afraid of making mistakes by trying any- and every way he could think of to care for me and love me, and I was a student of my father's school of positive reinforcement. He was receptive and flexible, I was full of feedback, and lo, I managed to Dr Frankenstein an ideal husband. Sometimes I wonder what he gets out of the deal, but then I remember that what he wants is someone soft and warm (on the outside anyway) to love, and here I am. He wanted someone to nurture and support him, and I do. That is the simplest simplest way to say what we are, because there is more there--equivalent nerdery, enthusiasm, tastes, and physical and mental compatibility--to bolster the tabula rasa/firm stamp theory. Plus, as this is an appropriate global time to mention, I'm totally into guys who look like soccer players, and S has the tall, lean, muscley legged, great assed futbol look.
Is this weird? We're probably not as unique as I think we are. That's ok, too.
He also startled me by telling (or reminding) me just who he was when we first started dating, and telling me what it meant to him that I was me. I think we can chalk our entire contented and companionable and hilarious relationship to the weird combination of the people we were five years ago. He was a blank slate, not afraid of making mistakes by trying any- and every way he could think of to care for me and love me, and I was a student of my father's school of positive reinforcement. He was receptive and flexible, I was full of feedback, and lo, I managed to Dr Frankenstein an ideal husband. Sometimes I wonder what he gets out of the deal, but then I remember that what he wants is someone soft and warm (on the outside anyway) to love, and here I am. He wanted someone to nurture and support him, and I do. That is the simplest simplest way to say what we are, because there is more there--equivalent nerdery, enthusiasm, tastes, and physical and mental compatibility--to bolster the tabula rasa/firm stamp theory. Plus, as this is an appropriate global time to mention, I'm totally into guys who look like soccer players, and S has the tall, lean, muscley legged, great assed futbol look.
Is this weird? We're probably not as unique as I think we are. That's ok, too.
6.12.2014
summer
I'm reading about a time when I was lost and my heart was weighed down in my chest, and after a conversation on Tuesday and a conversation on Wednesday about what has changed and what has gone missing in these years since, I come to the conclusion that despite the yawning maw of liminality that is my current life, I am infinitely wealthier than I have ever been.
I want to mention this now only because I think I am at the end of my streak (I just get the sense): I have gone 52 days in a row measuring at least 10,000 steps a day on my birthday pedometer.
I am heavier than I should be, and my legs are very strong.
I'm turning brown and making checklists and proving my prowess and having technical difficulties that find me sitting in my chair at work with nothing but humid, fidgety time.
There was a fierce storm yesterday evening and I was sheltered from the side in an apartment on the far side of town, and we watched the gusts and the lightning from the front door. Everything was tilted and dark blue gray.
I want to mention this now only because I think I am at the end of my streak (I just get the sense): I have gone 52 days in a row measuring at least 10,000 steps a day on my birthday pedometer.
I am heavier than I should be, and my legs are very strong.
I'm turning brown and making checklists and proving my prowess and having technical difficulties that find me sitting in my chair at work with nothing but humid, fidgety time.
There was a fierce storm yesterday evening and I was sheltered from the side in an apartment on the far side of town, and we watched the gusts and the lightning from the front door. Everything was tilted and dark blue gray.
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