jest

I love half-kidding. I love I don't really mean it (but I do).

and found

Karma! You're killing me! What do I owe now that I've tracked down and re-claimed my bike??

lost

I can't stop trying to balance the ups and downs into a smooth line. Because now I'm all, well, as punishment for not holding up my end of the bargain with the wart thing, the universe saw fit to fucking steal my bike from outside the theater tonight.

soul

The wart on the sole of my foot is healing. I can't remember but I imagine that months ago or a year ago I made a bargain with god, or the devil, or whomever. I may have said, if you make this wart go away on its own, I will __. So I probably don't deserve the healing, because if there was a deal, I've broken it already.

opening night

This week and next I am spending my evenings with double reeds and fairies and inter-species marriages on the stage. It keeps my spirit awake. I guess it's being a boundaried part of a whole that I like. I have a role, a singular role, and it's good, but it is nothing compared to the collective. That's why I'll always say yes. It's not that I'm a sucker, or that I'm bad at saying no. It's-- I will always want to play. Also, maybe, it is a little bit that I'm a suck-up. You have no idea how much it mattered when the conductor walked up to me as I was lying on my back on the stage during the break and touched my head and said thank you.

not poem

I am all teeth and toes and sideways hair.

I hear ya.

A few times today I was really happy. It surprises me when the reason why is a person.

April is

foolish.


I had a poem in my head the minute before I sunk into a late afternoon nap. I thought, I need to roll over and write this down. I was too far gone.
So the only beautiful thing I've given the world today (I guess) would be the snippets of solo in the first measures of the fourth piece my orchestra performed tonight. But I think I was spun cotton, not spun silk. Trust me, I'd heard enough to compare.

sandman

I like sleep. I'm good at sleep. I don't know why sometimes I'll go for a week or so avoiding it.

pound

Today my office felt like an Imitrex commercial. When I came home I could hear my eyelids open and close.

buckwheat

There are quite a few people in my life who don't really like pancakes. What do you think that means?

drizzle

So, I'm paranoid that I'm going bald. I'm probably not, though.

I don't know how I feel about this: my library is probably getting a Starbucks in our main lobby this summer.

I sometimes like telling people 'the CIA called me earlier this week!' and I let them try to figure out why. It's not as exciting as it sounds.

WTF, March? It's snowing.

flimsy

I'm taking things too easily to heart tonight. Everything from the red color to the snappish reply to the cracked molar to the threat of snow.

It's... I thought I was being helpful, but in the end, I just slowed you down.

done

It's March, it's sunny and warm, the University is closed today, and--I really thought about this last night--my only goal for the day was to not sleep in til noon. Check.

The checklists I make are usually after the fact. Like I'm afraid if I'd put 'go to a real live rodeo' on my list, I never would have gotten around to it. So instead I add it to my list of life goals after I've just come home from one.

I guess, though, it would have been a safe bet to add 'sit out on the back deck in the chair my mom and aunt bought me last summer and soak up sunlight and breezes and sip my morning coffee while my hair dries' to my plans for today.

true enough

I am not implying that I often don't mean what I say, but sometimes I'd like some way of emphasizing the fact that I really do. Sometimes I mean --oh, from time to time-- when I say 'I'm thinking of you' and sometimes I mean --you're the only thing I'm capable of concentrating on today. And sometimes I say 'you're amazing' and I mean --well done!-- and other times I mean --woah. There was one time when I said 'see ya!' and it sounded casual, but I meant --I ALWAYS DO.

I would never say it in so many words.



The most uncomplicated part of my week was the ten minutes with the six-month old baby bouncing on my lap.

Or maybe the Greek food + Irish beer + no need to settle in; I'm already there.

optimism

I don't know why this would be different than the last dozen attempts, but

today I'm going to stop biting and picking at my nails.

blues

Yesterday I thought I had become invisible for thirty seconds or so, and that's good, because it flung up a plastic fence between already-in-trouble and a-whole-lot-worse.

Today someone brought me coffee in bed, which helped me find the energy to get out of it. It is a snow day, and I am mad at the gods of weather. I had no weapons in my arsenal to protest the late-winter snow other than sleep.

If I feel like it, I could scrape off my car and drive to the post office. I have a package I want to mail. But I'm already a week past due, so what's another day, or two days, or seven.

I have been wondering what it says about me when someone close to me and another someone close to me can't stand each other. I guess I have nothing else to do but throw up my hands and leave one there and the other here.

I stayed up late last night talking myself through the next two weeks. It was less hypothetical than usual. But plans are already out the window, I think, because it's noon on a Monday and I've accomplished nothing. Not even a shower.