on time

I've been full of phlegm these days, which I will willfully ascribe to the season and nothing more. It feels more like I live in a basement this week. We keep waking to crickets in the room or mystery bugs swooping at our faces. I trust they are not muscular spiders, which I like, as long as they are at least five feet from my face.
My husband has been busy. He's been remarkable. He keeps up with school and work and his band and doesn't fall apart. I fall apart on his behalf sometimes, but I'm getting used to and kind of really liking being the S technician. I keep him in clean clothes and make sure he comes to bed on time and feed him what he needs to eat and encourage him into a good rhythm and relish the small moments of time we do have together. I have to remind myself not to ooze with the sort of achy neediness that I know will (always) elicit a guilty response from him. It's not fair. He's doing what he needs to do. He needs to be a nurse. I need to be a support system. That kind of need. We'll be ok.
I am, though, leaving him to prop himself up for a week. Going on his family vacation without him, in fact. A week at the beach with his grandparents, parents, and siblings. And, incidentally, also my parents. I am not sure what kind of idea this is. But, the beach. Even without my husband, even with two sets of parents, the beach. That's what I want.

not like you

I still have that stabbing feeling of 'are you sure?' when I tell myself it's ok to be different. Ok to not because to transpose myself on top or someone else. Ok to have my own beat.

liminal

This is a liminal moment for my family of two, between one pattern of living and the next. S starts nursing school this afternoon, and I start filling in the gaps. I'm not sure how to frame this or anticipate it, and I hope the pavement over which my ankles bow is enough. I am seismically proud of my husband, and confident in him, and I'm feeling (when I get enough sleep) that the threshold here is the line between stasis and growth, comfort and adventure. I think this is what we need? I think I'll keep up, at least for the next week and a half. 

marrying

Miller wedding #3 is this morning. My sweet, deep-thinking, passionate golden brother found his match, and I didn't think I could love either of them more than I have in the years building up to this, but then I watched them yesterday during the rehearsal and changed my mind. 

Our people of the grass and tree and sky are unfortunately being chased out of a park and into a church for their ceremony because of thunder and rain, but you know it doesn't really change things in the end. I'm going to be there on and my breath is still going to catch and hold and I am going to watch them slide into one unit. I'm so proud of them. This is the real deal. 

I have a lot of room to grow

The corn is so tall on both sides of our country road that driving home is in a whispering hallway smelling of green and stickiness. I've gotten to know these turns.

In the foggy cool mornings I take off on foot in the opposite direction, running alongside cows and gravel ditches. I feel a sense of rightness and I feel my legs regaining some of their oomph. I feel almost like it's time to name myself a victor.