1

We have a future together. More than just the wedding tomorrow. We have a whole lifetime. We have plans and ideas and dreams, and the confidence and sureness we feel about this partnership, about how well and strongly we love each other, is heady. I am the richest woman in the world with him by my side, and I cannot wait to walk down the aisle to meet him in the middle of the sanctuary and tell him and everyone in the world that I love him, I love him, I love him.

2

He proposed to me on another August night a year ago, both of us still in our band clothes. I was stunned at the sight of the diamond and tongue-tied and I think I said, ‘what the hell are you doing?!’ But I knew and he knew, and from the moment the ring slid on my finger, I’ve never doubted the wisdom of accepting it, and him.

3

S is such a man. Such a good, good man. He’s tall and strong and hairy and handsome and clever with his hands. A man like that brings out the woman in me, and we’re two halves.

4

He sings to me when I’m scared. He answers me without pause when I ask for comfort or reassurance, or just want to hear him tell me again, for the thousandth time, just how much he loves me. He says ‘I love you more than I love the laws of thermodynamics, babe.’

5

S is not a fairy tale prince. He is human. He is not static. He is endlessly capable of learning, of growing, of surprising me. He’s unflappable and flexible and so, so weird. He will never stop learning and questioning and improving himself. I wish I could take credit for the massive forward leaps he’s taken in the past few years, but I really have only been a companion in the growing and changing. I’m going to keep on growing and changing with him and he with me. I am not at all worried that one of us might branch off in the opposite direction. We’re just, we’re going to be going the same way.

6

We like to sit down at a piano together, hip to hip on the bench. He calls out chords for me to play on the left side of the keyboard and he takes the right side and makes the melodies come out of thin air. Our tempos aren’t always perfectly aligned, and sometimes my chords get too dark and forceful, but what we do works together. Who we are is this: the steady backdrop and the soaring over top. Sometimes we switch roles, but it’s always the same.

7

He is always there when I stretch out my hand for him. He’s been a caretaker all his life and his ability to anticipate needs and solve problems before they reach a critical level is incredible. He will never back away when times get tough. He never shies away from the ugly cries and the pain in my voice. He is always at his most sincere and patient when I or others are at our most vulnerable or disjointed. How could I not love a man like this?

8

He has never raised his voice to me in anger. Despite my best efforts, his patience and his reasonableness in the face of my flailings and hysteria is unflappable. He never doubts me, even when I doubt myself, and he will never ever make me feel anything less than perfectly loved, accepted, and cherished. He makes me feel like a treasure.

9

His arms became my anchor. He rests his hand on the top of my head or rubs his fingertips across my brow and it’s like being bathed in warm cinnamon. He has these devilish pointed eyebrows that make you think he could be trouble, but under them are the kindest, softest brown eyes. He gets this look in his eyes sometimes when he looks at me that says ‘you are the world.’ He gives me goosebumps.

10

We once stood on a bridge in an amusement park and watched fireworks bursting over our heads and saw their reflections in each other’s eyes and in the river below and he was whispering, ‘I love you, April,’ and I knew that this was it.

11

My people like him. His people like me. It wouldn’t be possible to doubt the validity of what we’ve got here if you watch the two of us together. See how tenderly he dotes on me and how enthusiastically I reach out for him. There just aren’t roadblocks. There’s no one else.

12

He was so easy to fall in love with. His quick, unusual mind, his indefatigable kindness, his silly habits, his sharp answers and funny impressions. He makes me laugh and he laughs with me. He is not someone who smiles readily, but he smiles for me. His appreciation of my appreciation for him is so good it’s almost hilarious. We grew in on each other and grew up.

13

We shared things well and quickly. We cooperated. I turned from a miser of time and a hoarder of secrets to an open book, because he was, too. I could spend day after day after day with him and only him and still crave more. I’d still be aching when I left him. We broke each other’s rules of privacy and jealousy. I still feel as if somehow we missed a step or cheated to get from strangers to soul-deep lovers in so short a time.

14

He told me he loved me late one evening and I said, wide-eyed, ‘you’re crazy.’ He set about proving me wrong right away, explaining patiently and fervently just how serious he was about me, just how deep was his love. His spoken declarations were always almost as eloquent as his actions, which are expansive, graceful, and careful.

15

We had an instant rapport and mutual trust. He quickly learned to fall asleep with his head on my lap. One early weekend in our relationship we climbed a hill and spread a blanket under the clouds. He rested with his head on my lap and I sheltered him when it started to rain. He trusted me to wipe the raindrops from his closed eyelids with my thumbs. He let me protect and shield him, and so I became a protector.

16

The first few weeks and months of our relationship were full of symphonies and secrets and kisses and continual surprise.

17

Three days later we went on our first date. He paid for my meal and we walked through the woods and sat at the edge of a field and talked and talked. I didn’t notice the chill of the evening or the bugs or the scratchy grass.

18

On a Monday toward the end of the summer S was driving me home and not far from my place he reached over and picked up my hand. He timed the gesture to match up with a tempo change on the song on the stereo. It was as if time slowed down. The only thing I could think to say was ‘thank you.’

19

He didn’t make me nervous. He was awkward, but so was I, and somehow our awkwardness cancelled each other’s out. Sometimes on the highway we’d sit in silence for a few minutes, and I’d realize that I was completely relaxed. I liked glancing over and seeing his hands on the steering wheel. Especially his pinkies.

20

We traded off driving for a few weeks and it soon became apparent to me that I was right--he did have a spark behind his eyes that matched mine. I did get him. He got me. We talked about our families, words, music. I remember telling him about the possibility of my parents moving down from New York long before mentioning it to some of my closest friends. He was a quirky, endearing thing. He tried very hard to compliment things that didn't need complimenting, like the size of my car and my middle name.

21

For three years I've played in a community band that performs every Monday evening throughout the summer in a town 20 miles down the interstate. The summer before last out of the blue S showed up to play with the group one Monday in July. My breath caught when I saw him joining me up on stage. I didn't even have time to wonder what I should do about it afterward--he approached me as soon as the concert was over to say he was wanting to join the band, and to ask if we could carpool to rehearsals and concerts. Of course we could carpool.

22

Whenever we ran into each other there would be vague offers of musical tutoring, of 'hanging out sometime,' of 'someday, we should...' but I was pretty paralyzed by low self confidence and a general feeling of, no not really and he was caught up in his own head. So it was months more before circumstances intervened and gave us both an excuse to try and give our friendship legs.

23

I asked a friend of his if S was a particularly physically affectionate person, because he always made an excuse to hug me after the shows. She said, 'no, he's not huggy' and for the first time I wondered maybe if this was more than just a one-way obsession.

24

The next two or three years I simmered. S was always a magnet, and throughout his musical career at the university I couldn't help going to his concerts and recitals. I was adoring and he was grateful. Sometimes when he played jazz in a coffee shop I'd hang around afterward, and he'd come over to me and we'd sit on a couch and talk. I'd ask him questions about what the music felt like to him and if he'd ever thought about writing his own, and he'd answer and take me seriously and once he put his arm up on the edge of the couch above my shoulders.

25

Those 'I actually kind of think you're special' sentiments ended up pouring out in a facebook message I sent to him all in a hurry before I lost my nerve. S still remembers this and mentions it fondly, so I suppose the benefits of my timid ego fluffing canceled out the stalkery factor.

26

The camping that weekend turned out to be a rainy, whiny bust. But back in town I still couldn't get S out of my mind and decided to find a low-creep way of letting him know that kind of, like, got him. That I understood that there was a lot in him hidden under the surface, and that I was pretty sure it was good.

27

That spring as I was buying a supplies for a weekend camping trip I bumped into S in a hardware store in town. The spirit behind his eyes and the rush of adrenaline that coursed through me as a result of his casual hello stuck at me. We'd never really hung out or even really talked about anything non-musical, but I felt like I could, and that I wanted to.

28

I was persuaded, by a different boy, to join the university's jazz ensemble one fall, despite the fact that I'd never played a lick of jazz, and my sax skills were rusty at best. But I showed up to a the first rehearsal and was seated right beside S, who was the lead alto. Following his lead was the easiest thing in the world.

29

For several semesters he loomed large on the stage and in my mind. Do you know how there are some people you just always notice? He was one.

30

He popped into my world on a Tuesday evening in September of 2005, a cock-sure alto sax player staking claim on the first chair in the university wind ensemble.