schmentiment

I am biding my time. I have to wait for things. I had lunch with someone I love a few weeks ago and she asked, 'how are you doing?' and I said, 'I'm impounded.' I'm living in a place that keeps me small and keeps me from trying new things. I'm living a time in my life when being just a human without a silk thread attaching from me to the next generation feels like an oversight. I'm living with a husband--three years as of tomorrow--who is so wonderful, so kind, so loving, and overarchingly so so so busy. I try to answer his business with activity of my own so I'm not just sitting in a stew. I'm back to saying yes to things (this is good! This is limiting!). It turns out that when we're working opposite schedules and when he's in his penultimate semester of nursing school the norm is that I can count the number of hours we spend together just BEING together during any given week on one hand. Sometimes it feels like less. It could be worse. His passion and drive and his goals are wonderful. It could be worse: we could just be starting out. There's the (an) end goal coming up this spring. It is less than 250 days away.
Sometimes it feels like my number one sentiment is resentment. Sentiment resentment. Flentiment schmentiment. I'll turn this all to the absurd. I do know that this is the kind of limbo that eventually ends. I do know that I'm living well anyway. I do know that I am loved down to my cellular level, and I love just that much in return. I do know that there will be a year (maybe next!) when we'll be able to celebrate an anniversary with more than a quick pause for take out Thai food and three kisses. I'll keep making him breakfast and folding down the sheets.

navel gazing

I think there are a lot of things I'm willing to work around in order to keep my sense of self in tact. I think I'm lazy (or, I say out loud: my goals are small), and I defend my laziness, my tiny plans, as high standards. I believe in personal and relational and communal contentment-care-coziness over almost everything else. I think I leave excitement and adventures on a small scale so they can be created anywhere and any day instead of planning for excitement and adventures in the macro. I don't know which is wiser. I think the bubble wrap of a husband bundled around me has changed the way I plan for things and the type of life I want to live, and I wonder sometimes what that says about me, and who I'd be if I were suddenly alone again. I think sometimes I use the idea of living simply as a crutch. I don't fault me for it. I am full of hurdles.