unrelated

I am quite grateful for this today, because of the tininess and the mewing, and I'm missing a family reunion because I am afraid, and I painted my fingernails gold, and I have a filthy kitchen and a small wildfire in my head (boo), and my hair is six inches shorter, and my ass is more aligned today and I'm SITTING and STANDING without whimpering, and I'm wishing I had an extra $1000, and did you get a load of the torch lighting? I was entranced. I'm drinking a spinach smoothie in hopes that this will inject me with superpowers.

looking forward

I am excited about the Olympics, because they make me human-cry. I am sad about a favorite lunch spot of mine closing, because they had the best tater tots.

Yesterday was S's birthday and it was a marathon of a day and I love him much, much more today that I did a year ago, or even on October 1st. He played an awesome gig and then I gave him a skeleton and we sipped scotch before he left for a night shift.

I'm doing alright. Dunno if it's coincidence or correlation, but having an actual part of my body that is in pain (my ass!) is making it hard to notice my perma-dizziness and skull pressure. Maybe it's gone for good. I have never given up the idea that it could disappear overnight. I limp and gripe today, but I feel pretty well wholly April. Have not been so in the better part of a year. I won't be surprised, though, if tomorrow the wave crashes back in and a new family of gerbils hatch. It's ok. It's going to be ok. I am definitely looking forward.

I AM BOOBYTRAPPED

I think the only parts of my body that are not not working to snuff are my left leg and my hands (THANK YOU, LEFT LEG AND HANDS). Last week it was a bad pap smear result. This week it is a SERIOUSLY PAINFUL gammy hammy. I AM USELESS. I AM DRIPPING WITH MELODRAMA AND ASIDE FROM THE PAIN AND IMMOBILITY, I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M ENJOYING THIS A LITTLE BIT. Really, sometimes I give into hysterics that I very well could curtail. NO, though, I WILL burst into tears and dramatically fling myself across the room (metaphorically. Literally, today I neither have the energy or the ability to move). I will NOT let common sense win. I WILL spend today yelling. This is all nucking futs.

not special

These days I am feeling

not special 

but atypical, 

and that's not nearly as fun. 

In other news, my heart is 100% normal and I just ate an entire bag of doritos. I have a lot of ground to make up/make in the first place. 

placeholder

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. "What do you call that?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the guy. "Because he's my newt."

second saturday

I am very glad today is Saturday. I thought yesterday was, because I wasn't in the office. But I'm glad it wasn't, because I wasn't in the office because of an all day interlibrary loan conference in the middle of the state. What a shitty way to spend a Saturday. If it had been a Saturday.
I let my mind wander a lot during the sessions, and had a throwback to high school as I almost entirely filled in our schedule paper with tiny, scribbly doodles. I am just so very incapable of not doing things with my hands. That includes talking. But mostly it's the other stuff. I looked for holes in the conference attendants list and circled all the gaps. No last names that start with E I Q X Z. We're even worse with the first names. I feel like every letter should be represented, in a group like this. I am not much help, though, with my A and B. (It was either counting letters or a boredom stupor during a 100% patronizing presentation, the kind where it was explained how to click on a link in a website, and how to fill out a form.)
I will say this for the conference, though--it always lights a bit of a fire in me (just a bit, I'm still pretty tame, career-wise) about libraries, librarians, and especially ILL. It's just such a good thing, right? And the people that do it? I mean, can you top them? No you cannot. I sat at a table with a funny lady with a she-mullet who took notes on her ipad. I love that. We are very karmic people. There is give and take, and above all, balance. No wonder it suits me.

I was glad to be home afterward, although you wouldn't know it by the way I grumped along all evening. Survivor's grump. 

medley

Thyme in my teeth, hangnails, limp hair. I had a face to face encounter with a cockroach today. On my windowsill I have an avocado pit finally bursting into life. I have basil over the limit. I have fish from my husband in my belly. I'd forgotten how thin the walls are at the women's health center. I am thank you note shamed, and in awe of the ricocheted volume of the hay bale chipper. I bought hand soap that smelled like an old best friend, but it disappeared, I guess, between Target and my apartment. Somewhere in there, too, the pill capsules busted. And I am so caught up. 

whining

Don't read this. I hate being a whiner. Uh, I hate other people thinking I'm a whiner. So don't read this.

My body is still not functioning well, and sometimes I'm ok at dealing with it as calmly as possible/denying the severity of my weaknesses/soldiering on bravely. But sometimes I am not. And at the moment it is consuming me. I am very frustrated with my fear levels. Things I am afraid of these days include: waiting rooms, heat, loud noises, crowded restaurants, people who don't already know me, potlucks, red lights, standing. And definitely I'm terrified of disappointing people, especially S. Missing out on what alternate reality healthy April would be loving right now. I am so frustrated. If I had the energy I'd be punching things, screaming at the top of my lungs in my car, and biking up a mountain, just to get this OUT. OUTTT. It is so exhausting to only have two modes: when I'm not at home or in a similarly 'safe' space, I am constantly on edge, monitoring my energy levels, monitoring my anxiety levels, monitoring every little head-spin or ache JUST IN CASE. And when I'm at home, I am relaxed, finally, but am useless. All I do is lie in bed or on the couch, all the time. In a frigging coma of I-am-not-myself. I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything. I am so, so, so tired of this. I do have my good moments and I have my good moods. I am still functioning. I can still laugh and love and be April-ish. They just take a lot of work and a lot of willpower and I'm TIRED of not really being here. I'm tired of missing myself and being missed by all who love me. I get it. I do. I'm at a loss.

gobsmacked

I cannot stop sweating I NEED A SHOWER AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IT OFF FOR DAYS I DON'T KNOW WHY. It is not very beautiful in my armpits or my brain today. I've been gobsmacked by the elevator across the floor with the buttons on the other side of the door. I'm counting the pulses in my head. It would not surprise me today if the seat of my pants split. Seems plausible. After running away in tears from something that should have been manageable and lashing out at myself for the rest of the day yesterday (I fight with cheese) I have to be relieved today (temporarily) by the cold coffee and the oddly kindred spirit who rode with me to the castle and back. I fumble with the keys until I almost lock them in the van. I'm not in the right place, but a good long shower and a full night's sleep might help.

protected

I am feeling quite taken-care-of these days, and listened-to and loved. I should say I always have been, because I have. But lately it seems stronger, somehow. My health is still somewhat of a blurry question mark, but I actually had a doctor call me at 8:00 last evening to answer my questions and give me recommendations. So I feel better today, as I always do after I talk to someone calm and knowledgeable, and after I have a new plan to try. I think, on the macro level, I'm getting back on my feet. And the things that are worrying me and keeping me up at night are being addressed.

Besides that, I really did have a wonderful week last one. I love LOVE my extended family. There are some aunts and cousins of mine that just hit the spot, you know? I have no problem making them a priority. We were in a nice little cabin, in a nice little state park, and the weather was hospitable. I did a -very- little bit of hiking/walking/swimming, and an even less bit of being incapable and I only cried about that a tiny bit. The majority of the week was spent sitting happily, around a picnic table or on a camp chair, with a jigsaw puzzle or a book or a fresh breeze, with delicious food from the grill, and card games and champagne and pie. I laughed a lot, I loved a lot, I wasn't ever alone and I liked it that way. There was a lot of greenery and bird song and comfort. We should do it again.

Back home on Friday in front of the derecho that has still stranded my in-laws without electricity. And back in the arms of the husband I had been craving and aching for. He's such a good one. Even when he's infuriating. Sometimes I find myself following him around the apartment like a needy cat, butting my head into his shoulder, asking to be petted. He does. I help him study for his summer classes, and he kisses me on top of my head and tells me that I am made of electric satin. Our love is very easy and fulfilling and I am so, so thankful for every little inch of him. Before I was married, even before I'd ever dated seriously, I had this vision of what being married could feel like, and I was right--it feels like security and a layer of invulnerability. It takes away my fear of the future, because I know that he'll be with me and we'll face it together. It makes me confident. He's the bubble wrap that surrounds me and protects my sharp edges from getting bruised, and that's a damn good thing.

reentry

I can tell I've been away from work for a week, because I keep accidentally hitting the 3 instead of the Enter key on the number pad. Absence makes the pinky wander.