nodometer

I think I am very lucky because my biggest concerns are my busted odometer and malfunctioning router. It feels weird.

balance

I am still riding a wave of good mood/will/skull status. I've been paid in free ice cream and righteous indignation, and both feel more than adequate.

keeping up

This doesn't MEAN anything, but it was a slow morning at work so I ran a query to see how many individual interlibrary loan transactions I've processed since I started working here six years ago and the number is in the 53,000s. No wonder the number pad on my keyboard shows a lot of wear. Oh, I've been good here.

going on

More ups from Arrested Development sharing and merlot and getting along with someone I'd never tried to before and getting along with someone I'd never gotten a chance to before.

still a morning girl

I'm getting a lot of joy this morning, even from the slick ice chipping off a windshield. Joy from corduroys, and a quiet library, and from birthdays in winter.

humor

I looked in the mirror just now and thought, 'you look like someone with a sense of humor.' The good days are so exciting.

another week

This week has been made of witch hazel and cow colostrum (not a joke), Mad Men, salt and vinegar chips, perpetually this, phone calls to the help desk, absurdity to the point of scolding, and rubbing my eyes a lot. Also, good baked tilapia and falling off of things and a new battery for my car that I did not have to deal with. I tell you, being married has made my life so much easier. I didn't have to buy the milk or refill the napkin holder.

Two days ago my legs felt like they used to feel all the time--coiled up and ready to run/walk/bike. I really, really, really want to do that again someday. This has been such a long... everything. It's odd to be able to call this past year+ the worst time in my life and also the best, by far, the best. No wonder I'm confused.

a little of

It has been a week of aloneness for me. Half on purpose, half not. S has been busy, working or gone every evening. I haven't had an excuse to leave the apartment after burrowing in after work. I've been drinking tea and going to bed to read myself to sleep even when it's only 8:30. January is such a heavy month. There have been bright spots, like the weight of a new skein of yarn and the aforementioned tea, and the fact that although I still feel lousy (I tell you, I feel lousy), an appointment yesterday gave me a few more possible 'why's to cling to and even a few possible fixes to try. I'm venturing into the world of homeopathy, and by god, it might work. And S always comes home to me at night, and even when I'm already asleep, he is a salve. He kisses my forehead and wraps me in his arms and before I even ask (I always ask), he tells me how much he loves me and how glad he is to have found me. The doctor yesterday asked if I'm often weepy. Am I weepy! I wonder how much control I have!

balance

It's really pretty remarkable, when you think about it, that my arm knows how to keep a mug of hot tea from spilling when I'm galloping down the flight of stairs from the staff lounge.

right time, right place

TWICE in a WEEK there has been on an inopportune day an opportune gmail chat with someone I wasn't expecting, and TWICE in a WEEK it has been exactly what I needed.

sunday

Relaxed, distressed, centered, charmed, full, disappointed, emotional, grateful, asleep.

winter

There is snow on the ground that has been there for more than a week. I feel like I've been gypped. I am not living in New York for a reason. At least the skies are blue? Sometimes I wonder how much better I'd be if I were allowed to hibernate. I'm alright, though. It's been a short week and I'm well-fed.

no viable alternative

I went to NY and back for NYE and thankfully S drove the whole time both trips. I'm in deep, deep debt.

This is ridiculous. It is not fair. I'm oozing with disgust of two varieties. For the way my body crumbles on itself after late nights and post-adrenaline, for the way this office feels since coming back.

I'm sick. I haven't not been. I'm distressed. I did much better tucked away at home. I think? If money weren't an issue and if stir crazy wasn't either, maybe I shouldn't be here?

That's not true. I adjust. I always adjust. I will adjust. I can act. I will act.

My fingers are hangnailing and my legs are bouncing up and down.

I have loved, though. I am very attached. And very grateful to feel the love in return.

I know to drink a lot of water and go to bed at 9:00, and that helps. And I know that this day will go on in spite of me, and I will get a ride home from work, and I'll spend the evening with my family.

I have no idea which doctor to turn to or which vitamin to take or which offer to say no to to help my body finally heal. It's such a goddamn mess. I'll bury my nose in a cup of tea and soldier forward because I haven't yet found a viable alternative.