#30

I'm thankful for sudoku, which calms me. And for S's sweatshirts, because ditto. 

#29

I think maybe I'm thankful that of all the many times I felt like I was about to puke today, I only actually legitimately puked once. Trust me, it could have been worse. Also, I got to give a stool sample for the first time in my life. I guess I'm just thankful that there are people out there willing to analyze that... crap... for me. 

#28

Thankful for white undershirts. 

#27

I want this month to be over because, although I do have things to be thankful for, they are all the same: S, who is taking care of me, mom, who is taking care of me, family, friends, coworkers who are taking care of me. I can't even say with any legitimacy that I'm thankful for the warm weekend we've had and the crunchy leaves. BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EXPERIENCE THEM. I am still not back to normal. Don't know what the hell kind of virus I've got/had, but I do NOT recommend it. I am a whiny, shaky, teary mess who bears far too little a resemblance to the happy, confident, hungry April I should be. I want to feel like myself again. None of this weakness, no appetite, pervading sense of ickiness. It is shit. It needs to be done. This has even gone so far as to require me to wear a 24-hour heart monitor later this week. It's that much of a deal. So for day #27 the only new thing in my repertoire to be grateful for is applesauce. There. Applesauce. 

#26

I'm thankful for ten hours of sleep, three nights in a row. That stuff is no joke.

#25

I'm grateful for my extraordinary family--the siblings who make me laugh and make me silly and inspire me, the siblings-in-law who delight me wholly, the parents who... they're my PARENTS. I am so, so, so loved.

#24

I am feeling relatively whole this morning! I think I'll be able to keep the residual ick at bay today. I'm so thankful. Thanksgiving lunch with S's family, dinner with mine. I am a lucky woman.

#23

And today I'm just so, so, so thankful for a half day at work (by MANDATE, not by body giving out) and then the rest of the week off... if I can just get my body's act together today I may even be able to enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow. I hope to hell. 

#22

Forgot to post yesterday. Must have been distracted by being doted upon. Well, I was thankful for cake pops from an extremely thoughtful faraway friend and thankful for an evening spent drinking tea and convalescing with nearby friend. I still am.

#21

I am SO SO SO thankful for my mom, who came and sat with me and talked to me for three hours last night when I was a sobbing, snotty, helpless mess. Nothing like momma-loving to make you just feel like you're going to be ok, even when you're still mired in the sickness that never ends.

fingers crossed

I'm choosing to believe that the 'tension tamer' teabag that ripped in my hands and spilled all over the counter was NOT a bad omen for today.

#20

I'm grateful for... well, I did manage to go for a half hour walk this afternoon. It's a start. I hope. 

#19

I'm thankful for my feet. I'd say why, but really, I don't even need to. They're my feet.

#18

I'm grateful for this job I've had for the past five years. I work independently yet surrounded by friendly faces. I keep busy, but am always able to take a break to stage a rubberband battle in the shipping room or look up pictures of sugar gliders or answer an email or text from someone I love. I use my brain, but not on a theoretical level, and rarely to an extent that exhausts and drains me. I am a helper by trade, paid to profligate (within copyright, of course) scholarly research to the students and faculty here on campus and to other libraries all over the world. I create good karma for the university who employs me, and never have any reason to take my work home with me in the evening. I never dread coming back to the office in the mornings. Except when I'm tired and sick. But even when I'm sick, my boss and coworkers are kind and sweet and understanding. It is the perfect job for someone like me. And now that I've got a sugar daddy husband I don't even need to stress (too much) about my salary level brushing on poverty. So I'm very thankful. Hope I don't keep missing chunks of it over the next few weeks. I want to end out 2011 on a document delivery high note.

#17

I am thankful for my innate optimism and resilience. And I hope both come back soon. I had to leave work early again today when I got too feverish and fatigued and foggy-brained to last out the afternoon. Spent about six hours being the most frustrated I have ever been with this body of mine. And then, I don't know, the ibuprofen kicked in several hours too late? And S and I talked for a while about recovery and accepting my limitations and we made plans for me to feel better tomorrow. It helps. I can feel a ray of hope again. It's my natural state, the 'it'll get better.' I have been tamping that down way too often. Here's hoping tomorrow I can say, 'I'm thankful S was right, and I am having a strong day,' and I can get back to the business of thinking life is good and forgetting the bad parts I've just left behind.

#16

I'm thankful for my brand new driver's license, with my brand new last name and even a surprisingly flattering new photo. I can't stop showing it to people. Look, here, my last name is NEW. This is NEW. 

#15

I am thankful for Netflix instant streaming. I am at a verrrry low level of energy this evening, and Netflix is keeping me company while I loll on the couch. Thank goodness. 

#14

Made it through three hours of work today and FELT GOOD while I was there. This is such a gift--considering where I've been--that I can't help but be thankful.

#13

Well, yesterday worked out! But...today was a backslide. Kind of a big one. But I'm still thankful--for my sister-in-law nurse to say calming, nurse things and not mind the tears, and for a best friend who stops by at dinner time with a novelty ring, a mini bottle of Jack Daniels, noodle soup, a whole coconut, a DQ cupcake, a listening ear, and good advice. She also didn't mind the tears. I have been very bare and very frustrated. But I'm going to get this figured out. I'm going to get off the couch and back in charge of my own life. Even if it takes more days away from work in a doctor's office. And drugs.

#8, #9, #10, #11, #12

Oh lord.

I'm thankful for the way music is made up of chords, and how sometimes I can sit down and just play those chords and the melody hops up out of the page into my lungs.

I'm thankful for my teakettle. My lovely red teakettle, and all the tea it's provided for me when I've been sick on the couch.

I'm grateful for crunchy leaves and the way they skitter around outside our kitchen window--I keep thinking they're chipmunks, or mice, or small brown birds.

I'm thankful that I had a full load of whites for the washer this morning.

And to say it again because I can never say it enough: I'm thankful for S, my superman, who has carried me through all of this, even when he was under the weather himself. There's no one else I'd rather have taking my temperature, bringing me mugs of soup, and holding me until my breathing steadies and my heart stops pounding out of my chest. I am a very lucky woman.

what's been going on

I have missed the last days of thankfulness because I have been... not well. And I don't want to keep writing, 'I'm sick, but I'm thankful for soft pillows.' I wanted to write 'I'm thankful that getting better' and I haven't been, so writing such a thing might have made my non-improvement worse. But today! I feel optimistic about today! I am out of bed and have been active all morning. I hope I'm not jinxing myself, because there have been other days in the last three weeks when I have felt optimistic and active and then the world crumbled in on me again. I had the mother of all chest colds, with the violent, wracking cough that turned into bronchitis which turned into a sinus infection with laid me out completely flat with dizzy spells and anxiety and punishing headaches and --this was new-- a surprise visual migraine when I attempted to go back to work. I can't work when I can't see. The light show wasn't worth the stress. I have missed a total of seven days of work in the past three weeks, which is insane. And I started to think that maybe I'm insane, too. My body just gave out on me, and there have been days this week when I haven't had the energy or the will to do more than tread from the bed to the bathroom and back. I am not sure how much of this has been physical and how much has been psychological, and what's terrifying is I think it's probably both. I am an active person by nature. I hate sitting still. I hate physical weakness in myself. My lack of strength and of bounce-back-itude has been very psychologically punishing, and if I were alone in this, my bouts of anxiety and bewildered tears and racing heart could have been the start of a neurosis. Afraid to leave the apartment because the last three times I've tried, I've been knocked to my knees with lightheadeness, with a migraine, with incapacitating anxiety. Until today, though. I'm writing because I feel better--I feel like I am finally kicking out the last remnants of the virus that has ruled my physical body for three weeks, and I feel like I'm on the road to psychological recovery, too. I went to the grocery store today, by myself, in the bright sunlight. I fully intend to play a short concert this evening with the community band, even if part of the time I'm just going through the motions. It is possible that this will be the one step too far for my newly fragile self, but I cannot not try, you know? It's been so long.

#7

I'm thankful for dried apricots in my desk drawer. Brain food for catching up from sick days.

#6

I'm grateful for my car, Biff the Civic. It has some... quirks, let's say, and it's hardly a car to fall in love with, but the heater and the A/C work, and even if it takes some coaxing, the engine always starts, eventually. I'm glad I have it.

#5

I am thankful for a bread-baking mother, who instilled in me a love of the smell of homemade bread fresh from the oven. The process of kneading a ball of dough came naturally to me this afternoon, no need to google this. The rising, the waiting, the baking. I think it's in my blood, just by being born. 

#4

I could say this every single day this month and talk of it non-stop on Thanksgiving itself: I am SO THANKFUL for S. I have been sick; it has sucked. And yesterday I hit a particularly bad snag and when the fever and lightheadeness couldn't be ignored, S came to work to pick me up and take me to the doctor, and he sat with me in the exam room and went to the pharmacy on my behalf afterward. He nursed me all afternoon and evening and night and I cannot TELL you how amazing it feels to have this kind of safety line attached to my waist. It's not just that I can count on him to physically be there when I need him, I can also trust him to be tender and loving and patient and attentive to me, all the damn time. My GOD he makes me feel like a queen, even when I'm three days unshowered, whining, coughing, drooling on his chest in my sleep. I can't say this enough: I am so, so thankful for my husband.

#3

I'm thankful for water to drink and for my red Nalgene water bottle, which is rarely far from my side. It has been my companion on hundreds (thousands?) of bike-walk-bus-car trips, and it patiently forgives me for dropping it, and dropping it again, and accidentally kicking it after I drop it. Clean drinking water from the tap is a precious gift, and my water bottle is the... gift box? [I'm sorry. I'll blame my incoherence on my poor lung function *wheeze*] [staying hydrated]

bruised

The gremlin in my lungs still hasn't moved out after a week. I'm losing patience with the way it wakes me at 3:00am and drags me out of bed, gasping for air, pacing around the apartment trying to expel the demon without disturbing S. I'm getting better, I know, and these things do take time. But this is the good part of fall--the cold frosty mornings with the air that just mmm, buzzes in your lungs (in your healthy, pink lungs), and the warmth of the sun cutting through in the afternoons, dancing through the crunchy leaves under the clear blue skies. I miss that. I am confined to the bus, behind a tissue shield, watching the skies from a box. Die, gremlin.

#2

I'm thankful for cheese. I love cheese. I'm glad I'm not lactose intolerant. For real.

#1

I am thankful for nail clippers and my regained ability to use the tips of my fingers instead of the tips of my too-long nails to feel out (feel up, sometimes) the world.

into the fantastic

Halloween this year--beyond bringing to the forefront Milky Way bars, pumpkin guts, gold corsets and swan dresses (we won the prize for most sophisticated!)--made me think of fairy tales, and that always leads me here:

(I don't know what this says about my mind, that I think of this version before I think of the original, and that the first sentence gets stuck in my head in a loop for days at a time)


Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage, honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat hut, an fur disk raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut.
Wan moaning, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut’s murder colder inset.
“Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer groin-murder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote! Dun stopper peck floors! Dun daily-doily inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers!”
“Hoe cake, murder,” resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft.
Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof.
“Wail, wail, wail!” set disk wicket woof, “Evanescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?”
“Armor goring tumor groin-murder’s.” reprisal ladle gull. “Grammar’s seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter an shirker cockles.”
“O hoe!” heifer gnats woke,” setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, “oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den - O bore!”
Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinny retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner windrow, an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet, paunched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin-murder’s nut cup an gnat-gun, any curdled ope inner bet.
Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker dough ball. “Comb ink, sweat hard,” setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse.
Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity bet rum, an stud buyer groin-murder’s bet.
“O Grammar!” crater ladle gull historically, “Water bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!”
“Battered lucky chew wiff, sweat hard,” setter bloat-Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase.
“O Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomalous prognosis!”
“Battered small your wiff, doling,” whiskered dole woof, ants mouse worse waddling.
“O grammar water bag mouser gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!” Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull’s lest warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard-hoarded woof lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt.

MURAL: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers.