whining

Don't read this. I hate being a whiner. Uh, I hate other people thinking I'm a whiner. So don't read this.

My body is still not functioning well, and sometimes I'm ok at dealing with it as calmly as possible/denying the severity of my weaknesses/soldiering on bravely. But sometimes I am not. And at the moment it is consuming me. I am very frustrated with my fear levels. Things I am afraid of these days include: waiting rooms, heat, loud noises, crowded restaurants, people who don't already know me, potlucks, red lights, standing. And definitely I'm terrified of disappointing people, especially S. Missing out on what alternate reality healthy April would be loving right now. I am so frustrated. If I had the energy I'd be punching things, screaming at the top of my lungs in my car, and biking up a mountain, just to get this OUT. OUTTT. It is so exhausting to only have two modes: when I'm not at home or in a similarly 'safe' space, I am constantly on edge, monitoring my energy levels, monitoring my anxiety levels, monitoring every little head-spin or ache JUST IN CASE. And when I'm at home, I am relaxed, finally, but am useless. All I do is lie in bed or on the couch, all the time. In a frigging coma of I-am-not-myself. I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything. I am so, so, so tired of this. I do have my good moments and I have my good moods. I am still functioning. I can still laugh and love and be April-ish. They just take a lot of work and a lot of willpower and I'm TIRED of not really being here. I'm tired of missing myself and being missed by all who love me. I get it. I do. I'm at a loss.