what's been going on

I have missed the last days of thankfulness because I have been... not well. And I don't want to keep writing, 'I'm sick, but I'm thankful for soft pillows.' I wanted to write 'I'm thankful that getting better' and I haven't been, so writing such a thing might have made my non-improvement worse. But today! I feel optimistic about today! I am out of bed and have been active all morning. I hope I'm not jinxing myself, because there have been other days in the last three weeks when I have felt optimistic and active and then the world crumbled in on me again. I had the mother of all chest colds, with the violent, wracking cough that turned into bronchitis which turned into a sinus infection with laid me out completely flat with dizzy spells and anxiety and punishing headaches and --this was new-- a surprise visual migraine when I attempted to go back to work. I can't work when I can't see. The light show wasn't worth the stress. I have missed a total of seven days of work in the past three weeks, which is insane. And I started to think that maybe I'm insane, too. My body just gave out on me, and there have been days this week when I haven't had the energy or the will to do more than tread from the bed to the bathroom and back. I am not sure how much of this has been physical and how much has been psychological, and what's terrifying is I think it's probably both. I am an active person by nature. I hate sitting still. I hate physical weakness in myself. My lack of strength and of bounce-back-itude has been very psychologically punishing, and if I were alone in this, my bouts of anxiety and bewildered tears and racing heart could have been the start of a neurosis. Afraid to leave the apartment because the last three times I've tried, I've been knocked to my knees with lightheadeness, with a migraine, with incapacitating anxiety. Until today, though. I'm writing because I feel better--I feel like I am finally kicking out the last remnants of the virus that has ruled my physical body for three weeks, and I feel like I'm on the road to psychological recovery, too. I went to the grocery store today, by myself, in the bright sunlight. I fully intend to play a short concert this evening with the community band, even if part of the time I'm just going through the motions. It is possible that this will be the one step too far for my newly fragile self, but I cannot not try, you know? It's been so long.