this evening my aunt told me i was gorgeous, on a day that i feel overstuffed and absent. i'd managed to lose one half of my favorite go-to pair of earrings by the time i was home from work and i'd managed to bleed a hangnail all over my yellow sheets. so being called gorgeous was a bit of a freak accident, i think, a bit of a brick in the middle of the road.
had me some pon hoss today. a family in my dad's church butchered a hog and gave my parents a... loaf... of pon hoss. it's the boiled down juice from pork bones thickened with cornmeal, poured into pans, chilled, and then sliced up and fried. it was not disgusting but don't be surprised if it never shows up in my stomach again.
at a rehearsal tonight i kicked off my shoes and sat cross-legged in my seat and this may be the reason why i sounded weak and sinking. weak, and sinking, but i can play the fast parts. weak, and sinking, but i get that music.
i think of myself as independent, but i have evidently learned how to be completely not the last few months. i am washed over with need and trying to feel steady and strong, but damnit, i no longer want to be.
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