overWHELMED

I HAVE LOST MY GODDAMN MIND. Exhibit A: just finished a sudden and uncontrollable crying jag brought on by a hunger pang and impossible selfish wants. Exhibit B: THE WORLD IS MADE OF JELLO. AH, FUCK. Witness a battle between me and my hormones and WATCH ME LOSE. I fail once again at pattern recognition. I have no idea what or where I am, I just know that my whole ME hurts and even though I know I am off base by miles I really, really despise myself right now. I KNOW. I want to find my balance again because my floodings and failings and emptiness is NOT A BIG DEAL BUT OH MY GOD IT IS A BIG DEAL. See. I started writing this thinking, well, the forward processing really generally does a lot to reset my equilibrium, but I’m totally refusing to let it today. I BLAME THE HORMONES. I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT MY CAPS LOCK ABUSE BUT IT’S HOW I FEEL. You’re lucky the FEELINGS are only assaulting your eyes and not YOUR WHOLE BODY the way they are with me right now.

***

I always feel like I need to temper these windows of ridiculous with a disclaimer. I'm fine. Of course I'm fine. I'm just finding the world temporarily impossible to explain and my head impossible to keep facing forward. And I do know how to take care of myself--I know what I need and have enough at my disposal to provide it for myself. I still do have enough of a backbone to keep myself myself. So I'll spend this evening investing in me-hood and will make it to tomorrow morning just a little bit lighter for the emptiness of my tear ducts.