I'm sure I'm in here somewhere

So today is the day that I've dedicated to kicking bags I thought were empty but are in fact holding a heavy glass bottle.

It's also a day I am feeling stupid about. My morning was ridiculous because I woke at 6:00 and because I wasn't actually myself until 10:00. And then I found where (I am 90% sure) my sister and I will live in ten weeks. Well, that's not stupid. But sometimes doesn't it feel... I don't know? when the answer is practically given to you? SO MUCH OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME. In this new place, we will have an excellent neighbor and there will be 100% less chance of unfamiliar voices in my living room. Then, I paid bills and bought stock and car decals and later I drove off and sat in a parking lot and ate a taco and listened to Sarah Mclachlan very loudly and wiped the tear out of the corner of my right eye with a napkin. I was near a thrift store, so I went in, and I hit the motherlode/load of flattering shirts and, naturally, came home and did some laundry. Huh, when I look back like this there's less to hide from. I'm not stupid, I'm just... damnit. I guess it was ok after all. I even had a short hour of kisses with the single most self- and life- and love-affirming person I've ever known. And then a chat with his dad and a meal with his family while he strode around doling out plastic straws and taking orders. I dunno, I was proud. The kind of tip I'd like to give for that kind of service? Mmm. There was a lady at the restaurant who made me and all of my coworkers a piece of fudge in the shape of a heart for Valentine's Day. I saw her across the room and my mouth watered, it was that good. I walked over to say thanks and it surprised me (it ALWAYS SURPRISES ME) when she smiled and greeted me by name.
I'm home again, listening to the hum of the dryer, emptying out the bag that keeps tripping me. Still feel slower than normal. Feel ungainly and unappealing. Feel stuck-in-limbo.
I am having one of those phases again where I wish I could close my eyes really tightly and open them again and have it be May.