beh.

I am smashing my fingers into my teeth.

Should not resent things like, a break for coffee and a break for sparkling cider, or an empty kitchen and the heater on full blast, but I did today and will tomorrow. Have so much to do when I'm not at home and nothing at all when I am. Especially if there's more snow. If there's more snow, I've done this all wrong.
There was a highlight of today--I left work late (late late late!) and had company for a few blocks of my walk through the thick snowflakes--this was welcome, both the company and the way the snowflakes melted against my cheeks!--and then I poked around in a small burrow of an apartment and followed the way the floorboards all slanted toward one corner. Thinking: I could be happy here. Ten minutes later I stood in the doorway of a locked up elementary school and I made the call to say I'd live in your house if you'll have me. I am maintaining a neutral line because I did not call first dibs. I am maintaining a neutral line because chances are I'll have to start over again. I am doing this for my sister because I could take the weight of failure.
My mood this evening is... a long bath didn't help, and my shoulders are still sore from shoveling this weekend and, well, that's not done. My mood tonight is ugliness and jealousy and curiosity; it's I would slap your hand away and I need you.