little atom bombs

My mind and my body are misfiring. Seriously, seriously misfiring. I have 3.5 hours until I can go home and lie down and cry and cry and I think I'll have to count every single one of the minutes left in order to not let my anxiety overtake me. I'm not crazy. Or if I am crazy, I'm not imagining it. Something is wrong with me. There's a self-destruct button in my head that was under a glass case the first 27.5 years of my life, and somehow it got smashed in and I feel like, I don't know, I feel like my body is winding down and out and my mind is going along with it. I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to interrupt the sequence and get my life back on track, because I still don't know WHY this all got started. If this is still all due to that damn virus that hit me way back in OCTOBER, I'm pissed at my immune system. I wonder if it ate away at my brain along with my strength and physical resilience. I'm going to have a brain MRI done sometime in the next few weeks and I keep thinking they'll see big black holes all over in my skull. Little atom bombs have been going off.