I am dizzy and flattened. Harder and Harder to keep my thoughts straight because everything is a whirl. I am trying hard to make myself live, anyway. Rejoice, anyway, in open eyes and warm winter coats, and in strong arms around my shoulders. But I'm failing. I am three months into some sort of imbalance in my bones or in my blood or in my brain, and my strength is useless/not enough. Sometimes I wonder if my head will ever be on my neck right again, and if these waterfalls running under my skin will ever dry up. I am totally bare to panic. Movie theaters, crowded restaurants, my office chair, hell, even my own living room. One moment it's the one moment too far. It is so easy to lose control and feel my chest fill up. I have no shields. My body is doing this. I am so angry I slap at my leg until my muscles give out and then I cry until the wall of snot and fear breaks. I am not ok with this being real life; I set deadlines. Next Monday, I'll call for help again.
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