a little of

It has been a week of aloneness for me. Half on purpose, half not. S has been busy, working or gone every evening. I haven't had an excuse to leave the apartment after burrowing in after work. I've been drinking tea and going to bed to read myself to sleep even when it's only 8:30. January is such a heavy month. There have been bright spots, like the weight of a new skein of yarn and the aforementioned tea, and the fact that although I still feel lousy (I tell you, I feel lousy), an appointment yesterday gave me a few more possible 'why's to cling to and even a few possible fixes to try. I'm venturing into the world of homeopathy, and by god, it might work. And S always comes home to me at night, and even when I'm already asleep, he is a salve. He kisses my forehead and wraps me in his arms and before I even ask (I always ask), he tells me how much he loves me and how glad he is to have found me. The doctor yesterday asked if I'm often weepy. Am I weepy! I wonder how much control I have!

balance

It's really pretty remarkable, when you think about it, that my arm knows how to keep a mug of hot tea from spilling when I'm galloping down the flight of stairs from the staff lounge.

right time, right place

TWICE in a WEEK there has been on an inopportune day an opportune gmail chat with someone I wasn't expecting, and TWICE in a WEEK it has been exactly what I needed.

sunday

Relaxed, distressed, centered, charmed, full, disappointed, emotional, grateful, asleep.

winter

There is snow on the ground that has been there for more than a week. I feel like I've been gypped. I am not living in New York for a reason. At least the skies are blue? Sometimes I wonder how much better I'd be if I were allowed to hibernate. I'm alright, though. It's been a short week and I'm well-fed.

no viable alternative

I went to NY and back for NYE and thankfully S drove the whole time both trips. I'm in deep, deep debt.

This is ridiculous. It is not fair. I'm oozing with disgust of two varieties. For the way my body crumbles on itself after late nights and post-adrenaline, for the way this office feels since coming back.

I'm sick. I haven't not been. I'm distressed. I did much better tucked away at home. I think? If money weren't an issue and if stir crazy wasn't either, maybe I shouldn't be here?

That's not true. I adjust. I always adjust. I will adjust. I can act. I will act.

My fingers are hangnailing and my legs are bouncing up and down.

I have loved, though. I am very attached. And very grateful to feel the love in return.

I know to drink a lot of water and go to bed at 9:00, and that helps. And I know that this day will go on in spite of me, and I will get a ride home from work, and I'll spend the evening with my family.

I have no idea which doctor to turn to or which vitamin to take or which offer to say no to to help my body finally heal. It's such a goddamn mess. I'll bury my nose in a cup of tea and soldier forward because I haven't yet found a viable alternative.

surrounded

I'm happy because yesterday was Christmas with one family, and today is another, and then tomorrow is Christmas, and I am definitely on board with stretching these things out as long as possible. On the other hand, these past six or seven days have been a marathon of everything, even when staying at home under the blankets. It happens. I'd had weeks at a time of moderate to good behavior from my body/cells/immune system, but I still wasn't whole, so I think I knew this downturn was coming. I'm getting through this.

S couldn't wait to have me open the gift he'd bought me--it's a print of a painting I'd had my eye on for three years. It is perfectly whimsical and I almost don't want to hang it up, because I like seeing it propped up against the coffee table, inches away. My husband's family Christmas yesterday included a gift of a gorgeous oil lamp more than 100 years old, which is one of those things that had always been on my unspoken list. How did they know?! It makes me feel loved. The coffee I'm drinking makes me feel warm. The jingle bell necklace around my neck makes me feel like I should be playing, so I probably will, to the best of my body, and it'll be another lovely day.

Merry Christmas to all who read this. I hope you smell cinnamon and spice and feel surrounded, accepted, and at home. 

active

I need to issue a correction, or an update, because a half our later S read my psychic plea and came home instead of staying out late, and I let my angsty ridiculous out and then it was gone, and then, even without asking, my best friend also read my psychic plea and came over with her husband and chocolate and holiday cheer, and in the end we were watching How I Met Your Mother and planning for the future, and it was exactly, exactly, what I didn't ask for. Today I'm wearing jingle bells around my neck and though I've only been at work an hour have already purposefully busted through a wall I'd manufactured and am not-blaming those who are not-to-blame, and there's the holiday party this afternoon, and. This is all just providing reinforcement for my passive aggressiveness, I guess. I'll think about that.

passivity

I am thoroughly rotten today. Bad day at work. Bad skull day. Bad diet day. Bad news day. Bad uterus day. And I was passive aggressive when I should have been aggressive, and so S left to go out for the second evening in a row, leaving me sitting alone on the couch with a balled up kleenex in my hand and memories of the panic attacks that were crippling me a year ago.
I am feeling very needy without the ability to verbalize what, exactly, I need. Clearly I need what's coming at the end of the week: a twelve day break from work. Turns out it's very, very hard not to be poisoned by what happened with the non-job last week. Maybe by January I'll be kinder.
I should be better than I am. I have, right now, the thing I crave most of the year, in the lighted Christmas tree in a dim living room. Presents underneath with ribbons I curled myself. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven. I have Netflix. I have the ability, if not the strength of character, to ask for help. None of this is helping, probably because all I'm actually pulling off is passivity and silence, inside and out. It's dumb. I want S. 

something to see

You know how sometimes you just have the strong feeling that if you keep your eyes open, there will be Something To See. I felt this on the drive home from my parents' house this afternoon. Thinking, maybe a kingfisher, or cat stalking through a field. What I got was the top half of an ass crack of a man leaning behind his truck's open hood. I'm still delighted that I was right.