1.03.2013

no viable alternative

I went to NY and back for NYE and thankfully S drove the whole time both trips. I'm in deep, deep debt.

This is ridiculous. It is not fair. I'm oozing with disgust of two varieties. For the way my body crumbles on itself after late nights and post-adrenaline, for the way this office feels since coming back.

I'm sick. I haven't not been. I'm distressed. I did much better tucked away at home. I think? If money weren't an issue and if stir crazy wasn't either, maybe I shouldn't be here?

That's not true. I adjust. I always adjust. I will adjust. I can act. I will act.

My fingers are hangnailing and my legs are bouncing up and down.

I have loved, though. I am very attached. And very grateful to feel the love in return.

I know to drink a lot of water and go to bed at 9:00, and that helps. And I know that this day will go on in spite of me, and I will get a ride home from work, and I'll spend the evening with my family.

I have no idea which doctor to turn to or which vitamin to take or which offer to say no to to help my body finally heal. It's such a goddamn mess. I'll bury my nose in a cup of tea and soldier forward because I haven't yet found a viable alternative.

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