passivity

I am thoroughly rotten today. Bad day at work. Bad skull day. Bad diet day. Bad news day. Bad uterus day. And I was passive aggressive when I should have been aggressive, and so S left to go out for the second evening in a row, leaving me sitting alone on the couch with a balled up kleenex in my hand and memories of the panic attacks that were crippling me a year ago.
I am feeling very needy without the ability to verbalize what, exactly, I need. Clearly I need what's coming at the end of the week: a twelve day break from work. Turns out it's very, very hard not to be poisoned by what happened with the non-job last week. Maybe by January I'll be kinder.
I should be better than I am. I have, right now, the thing I crave most of the year, in the lighted Christmas tree in a dim living room. Presents underneath with ribbons I curled myself. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven. I have Netflix. I have the ability, if not the strength of character, to ask for help. None of this is helping, probably because all I'm actually pulling off is passivity and silence, inside and out. It's dumb. I want S.