I don't want to jinx what is still an achingly gradual improvement, so I haven't really wanted to talk about it. But these are the facts: I'm feeling more human. But I am still craving shelter and fearing being left alone much more strongly than ever before. Still tiring quickly, still unable to eat things like supreme pizza without a day of payback.
I'm very jealous of the me of just a few months ago who never needed to think or worry about body's stability. These days I have to gauge myself every time I leave the apartment. Will I be able to stay upright through a trip to the grocery store? Can I handle a 90 minute community band rehearsal without becoming overwhelmed? I'm still very weak, and the virus, somehow, hijacked my senses in a way that has left me vulnerable to loud noises, bright lights, big crowds. My immunity to overstimulation has been slowly returning, I think. I DID survive a 90 minute community band rehearsal yesterday, even though it was so loud. And I'm on day two of a full day of work this week and though I don't feel great, I feel... ok. I'll last til 4:00. It helps when I'm distracted.
I wish I didn't know that my body was capable of this type and length of collapse. I'm afraid that now I know, I'll always be on the lookout for the next. It kind of sucks. But I DO feel better, I do. Have kicked, I hope for good, the low lingering fever and phlegm and the pervading feeling of malaise that colored a good month and a half of every waking moment. I'm still left with a weird stomach/digestive tract and muscle-deep fatigue. I miss normal poop. But I guess I'll just take things one step at a time.
Beyond my body, life has been sweet and I have been feeling Christmassy and warm. S has been reading Watership Down aloud to me in the evenings when he's home. We sit on the couch, and my mind DOES NOT WANDER. I am able to sit and listen to him and be perfectly in the moment. One evening we cut open a pomegranate and I fed him bites of the rich red seeds in between the chapters. We got and decorated a Christmas tree yesterday. I'm not looking forward to coming home to an empty apartment this evening, but knowing the tree will be there helps. I am determined to regain my ability to be alone and to take care of myself, and I am convinced that Christmas music and a pine scented candle will help.
I have been such a drama queen since I've been sick, full of tears and neediness and gasping out about DYING and NEVER GETTING BETTER and DEEP, DEEP SADNESS. But I'm happy to report that I haven't had a crying jag in three days. So, bring on the next few weeks. Bring on this one-day-at-a-time hike back to normalcy. (Normalcy! WTF!)
I'm very jealous of the me of just a few months ago who never needed to think or worry about body's stability. These days I have to gauge myself every time I leave the apartment. Will I be able to stay upright through a trip to the grocery store? Can I handle a 90 minute community band rehearsal without becoming overwhelmed? I'm still very weak, and the virus, somehow, hijacked my senses in a way that has left me vulnerable to loud noises, bright lights, big crowds. My immunity to overstimulation has been slowly returning, I think. I DID survive a 90 minute community band rehearsal yesterday, even though it was so loud. And I'm on day two of a full day of work this week and though I don't feel great, I feel... ok. I'll last til 4:00. It helps when I'm distracted.
I wish I didn't know that my body was capable of this type and length of collapse. I'm afraid that now I know, I'll always be on the lookout for the next. It kind of sucks. But I DO feel better, I do. Have kicked, I hope for good, the low lingering fever and phlegm and the pervading feeling of malaise that colored a good month and a half of every waking moment. I'm still left with a weird stomach/digestive tract and muscle-deep fatigue. I miss normal poop. But I guess I'll just take things one step at a time.
Beyond my body, life has been sweet and I have been feeling Christmassy and warm. S has been reading Watership Down aloud to me in the evenings when he's home. We sit on the couch, and my mind DOES NOT WANDER. I am able to sit and listen to him and be perfectly in the moment. One evening we cut open a pomegranate and I fed him bites of the rich red seeds in between the chapters. We got and decorated a Christmas tree yesterday. I'm not looking forward to coming home to an empty apartment this evening, but knowing the tree will be there helps. I am determined to regain my ability to be alone and to take care of myself, and I am convinced that Christmas music and a pine scented candle will help.
I have been such a drama queen since I've been sick, full of tears and neediness and gasping out about DYING and NEVER GETTING BETTER and DEEP, DEEP SADNESS. But I'm happy to report that I haven't had a crying jag in three days. So, bring on the next few weeks. Bring on this one-day-at-a-time hike back to normalcy. (Normalcy! WTF!)
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