I am falling into a habit of accessing my emotions. Huh. I guess it would be clearer to say that I'm falling into a habit of allowing others to access my emotions. I have been so many things today, and the only time I kept what was inside me hidden was this evening on the couch in my parents' living room when mom told me the cancer has spread. That, that was just me not wanting to cry in front of my brothers' girlfriends. Not today, anyway.
There were so many things about today that riled me up and caused me to ball my fingers into fists--unexplained silences and the ridiculous wallowy self-doubts they cause, barking dogs, security deposits, Hatetris, dead batteries, sticky apple juice, wet socks, fucking cancer. But ah, I did manage to make it back on foot to the mechanic's to pick up my car one minute before they closed. And I did spend an evening being sly and silly and bouncing a sparkly blue ball down a hallway. And I did reap some of the (chocolate) benefits from care packages sent to my mom. And I did lie on my back on the couch that the rest of the family sees as a miracle and I see as some bang-up good luck. And I did step on the accelerator and fly down a dark country road at 75 miles an hour with Bach blaring through my speakers.
I am tirelessly on a quest for symmetry, as always. So I see that I'm hitting a balance here, and I'm glad. I'll let you see that I'm glad.
What's more, I have the day off work tomorrow and I'm spending the whole wonderful weekend on an adventure in an unfamiliar city with two of the most fantastic people I know. And this weekend I won't deny that there are things in my life that are scaring the composure out of me, but I will acknowledge them and keep moving, because that's the way. The new way.
No comments:
Post a Comment