storms

I got back into town before a big scary storm hit yesterday evening. I almost felt like it was my fault. Here comes the hurricane. My lover and I were alone for an evening by candlelight after a week apart. And then we got into a fight. I'll feed him cobbler this evening to make up for it.
The power was on again for good at midnight, so we are fine, fine. But there have been whole weddings moved and frustrated by places still in the dark and buried behind downed trees.
I ate sauerkraut and cherries for lunch today, and I washed our bedsheets, and when I was in town delivering keys to a coworker a police officer drove by slowly, laughing at the way my hands were flapping around as I spoke. 'I think if I handcuffed you, you wouldn't know how to talk.' That's probably true. It's kind of nice that I'm distinctive?
I'm paranoid about my heart. I probably have no reason to be, especially after a normal EKG a few months ago, but sometimes I am hit with oppressive weakness, and I feel it in my chest, and I think, this is it, the pain is just proving my point. If my heart pops a hole and and I fall over, gray and dead, please don't have my funeral on the same day a storm rolls in. 

seven days

I am hoping to perfect the art of relaxation this next week. Seven days, lady family, cabin, Kindle, good food, good games, nature, swimming pool. I think that's a promising recipe.

want some wasabi snack mix?

They do NOT tell you in premarital counseling that when you send your husband out for gummy bears and snacks from the bulk section of the co-op, sometimes he comes home with $77 worth. I kind of feel like Marilla, bewildered by Matthew's 20 pounds of brown sugar.

I'm trying to decide to be charmed.

prejudged out

You know how sometimes the people you don't like, or think you don't like, turn out in the end to be the most compassionate and generous when you're in a time of need? I think that's like a miracle.

!

I woke up with an exclamation mark in my step this morning. !

it was good

The top of my forehead is burnt, and I'm in a bit of a snit about spoiled food and dirty laundry and solid rain, but I ate an everything bagel from my hometown grocery store three mornings in a row, did a lot of hopping up and doing things, and I felt really quite well for about 75% of the weekend on the lakefront. I am steeped in love. They are my favorites.
Yesterday was a little tragic, with the goodbyes and the whole year away and the rising tide of April-disgustingness and a solo 7.5 hour drive south. My saving grace on the drive was stubbornness and Mary Doria Russell through the speakers. I only hit the rumble strips once. There were tears and disbelief and a thorough shower when I arrived at home. But it was worth it, for my soul. Four days and I'll leave again.

nerved

Three conversations going on at once, a jackhammer outside the window. I am nerve-tired. I need ear plugs.

going somewhere

I'm taking a drive up to NY this weekend to spend a few days at a lake house in the crotch of Keuka Lake with my oldest friends. I'm traveling alone, and am not even going to think of the possibility of a failure of my body or my car. Shut up, I won't hear it. I'll be fine. I'll sit a lot.

Later this month my mom, sister, and I, an aunt, and two of my most beloved cousins are going to Ohio to a cabin in the woods for a week. I don't even care that I'll probably have to spend a lot the week being passive. I do not care. It is still something I have been counting down to for months.

It has just been so long since I've GONE somewhere, at all. I still sometimes entertain the fantasy of an instant fix to the damage that has been done to my body/mind/cells. So it's pretty easy to imagine GOING SOMEWHERE as the catalyst. Perhaps I'll sit on a dock this weekend and look at the lake for an hour and when I stand up, I'll be cured. Or maybe sleeping in a cabin in a state park will be like a shot of vitamin B. Or a mitochondria transplant. I think I need one of those.

I have no choice

I have to measure the success of the day in a pot of beans and folded laundry. The rest of me is aching with inactivity and artificial air. Right now I honestly cannot separate the way I feel from the way I've been acting like I feel. This couch is a sinkhole, and my husband will be out at a gig til late, late, late. I am not today the girl who could go along. 

luck

Earlier this week I decided to be lucky, so I won a $5 Starbucks card in a bingo game. Everything else should be that easy.