Oh yikes I think Monday was the highlight of my week and it's been nosediving since. I have been easily maddened this week, by nothing for lunch and by unjustified patience and by my body not behaving the way a 28 year old woman's body should and by not hearing back from the latest doctor I'm begging for help. The malaise has been strong this week because/in spite of the fact that I've been amping up my physical activity. Because I HAVE to. I am not built to be still. So I have been dragging around on short runs and doing exercise dvds and stretching out all my bunched muscles. I honestly don't know the roots of my sickness so I honestly don't know whether or not I'm pulling a trigger by pushing my body to sweat a little. But I'm kind of up against a wall because I am so goddamn tired of feeling sick. And this week I haven't even had a break of weightlessness and optimism. I'M PROBABLY MAKING MYSELF WORSE. I CAN'T WIN. It's been a week wherein the acting like I'm the good kind of April during the day/in public has totally emptied out all of my reserves and when I'm with S in the evenings I have only wanted to be unconscious or to flail at him with my fists because I'm so mad. Because he ate the last of the quiche I was saving for lunch today even though he didn't know that but I'm mad anyway because he's too nice to me and that's IT.
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