autonomy

Here's a scary thought: choice.
It is becoming more and more apparent to me lately that my reactions and my attitudes are totally malleable and can be shaped and edited to either kill or improve a situation. Not across the board, because there will always be my viscera. There are some circumstances and some people that will always exact a certain emotion from me without my permission and without forethought. There are some instances wherein I will always throw open my arms and some that'll freeze me solid. But holy frick, guys, there are so many times when I can CHOOSE to open up or shut down, even when my heart would claim otherwise. I have an overload switch! It is effective! This probably would have been useful knowledge to the 15 year old me. This also makes me feel like so much more of tool on the times I willfully choose to take the sulky way out. (Spoiler alert: GET USED TO THAT. IT WILL KEEP HAPPENING. I HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT OF REASONABLE.)

I think this is somehow related to the whole 'ahh, I make a difference!' panic of a few days ago, in that this is me realizing that 'ahh... I make a difference!'

Shut up.