blue skies

I am thinking of other people's hearts today--not my own! I think this is equivalent to a lid fitting tightly on a jar.

The breeze keeps pulling me back outside. It's a good way to spend a Saturday. I opened all the windows and I took a long bath and I straightened my rug, and the cat and I went belly up in a sunbeam.

Maybe I'll spend all afternoon watching golf on TV. I could--I love that I could.

Missing from today is a new bike. If I'd bitten down and purchased the one I fell in love with three weeks ago, I might be on it right now. I might be miles and miles out of town somewhere over the green hills. I didn't buy the bike. I am wary of spending what savings I have because sometimes I feel like I'm going to need that for something else, later. My old blue Schwinn is still. I mean, it is, still. It takes me the three miles to work and the three miles home. That's what I need, so stifle what I want.

I am tired of landlords staying in the basement. It makes me feel like I can't walk around half-dressed. Because I would, if I knew I was the only one who could open the outside doors.

Sarah is away for the weekend, my sister isn't moved back in yet, Krista is still six weeks away from returning. It should be just me and the cat at home, but it's not. So I'm wearing a shirt.

The song I have had as a ringtone for a year shows up on TV every so often. Once, on the radio. So, ok, nice that it gets used. I haven't been answering my phone much lately, even when I do hear it ring. Not that I won't answer it, but that I haven't. Something's different.

Last night at midnight I started reading The Giver. I was halfway through when I fell asleep with the book open on my chest. I think I'll do the same tonight.

I have stopped freaking out. I was serious when I put that on my to-do list. And for now, it has abated. I'm not worried about what's wrong with me, I'm not worried about my family, I'm not worried about work. I think the calm hit me when I got home one evening this week and thought, I'm not going to be able to sleep!! but then, within minutes, I conked out. When I woke up the next morning I realized how many gaps I'd had in my consciousness--my self-consciousness--the day before (this is a good thing!) and I have been able to string it forward ever since.