balance

Spring was a challenge for me, and I was dealing with the patches of haze and rain and uncertainty by keeping myself held very still. I have had a series of doctors appointments that haven't been leaning enough in one direction or the other enough to actually define, so I won't yet. And I dealt with that, and with a few other unexpected things, by setting all these rules for myself to keep myself tied to that wall so I don't fall off the ledge. You know? I'm not talking about the same sort of rule that was my January thing, when I made myself wake up a half hour early and go running. God. I kicked that habit in February. My new rules were things like a prescription for how I spend my Sunday evenings when my brothers are gone, and the order in which I eat my lunch. And sitting down at the piano during appropriate hours and playing inappropriate things--I mean, things without words and without anything else dictated beforehand. And I fricking started flossing by teeth every day. I realized, 25 years too late, that following rules is good for me and it was keeping all the WHAT NOW at bay. Oh, but this evening I am home alone and having no plans for this weekend and the WHAT NOW has come back. It kind of feels like panic, the kind you keep swallowed but that doesn't mean it's not there, it's just stuck in my chest. I am all of a sudden losing my balance, and the entire month of July is looming over me and it is heavy. I should probably concentrate on picking up the little things again. Flossing. Don't ask me to go for a run, but I might surprise you and do it unannounced.