this is full of parentheses

I'm feeling a solid iron rod lodged in my chest today. I spent a few days righteously sweating (a friend moved and I was there to be a lifter and encourager, I mountain goated up a humid mountain, I'm getting close to feeling my old rhythm at the Monday evening community band summer concerts), and then after that I spent a restless night worrying about things that have not happened yet (and may never happen) with S's family, and then I get stuck in a memory hole, and then I sat on a cookie, and then I reach a Wednesday noon full of a solid pressing down. It's gravity, it's feeling a little out of my depth in a few relationships, it's not being sweet and kind (me), and not slowing down (you). I feel like a turtle! I am glacial and solid and bitey. I can't keep worrying about things I can't fix (I can). I can't keep comparing myself to alternate reality April (I can). I can't keep asking for re-dos (I can). I can't last through this next interminable year of school and basements and being observed (I can, I can, I must).