heels in

I'd forgotten how cold my thumbs get when I bike through a chilly morning and how crusty the outside corners of my eyes.

I'd also forgotten how good then bad then good it feels to be active all weekend and then to realize I've scheduled myself into a sort of knot for the upcoming week, and it's probably ok, but it's much, much more.

There are things in my life right now that hadn't been, on purpose, for more than a year, because I couldn't handle them. The biking is one, the eating things made from scratch is another, and the tickets for events and the lunch dates and weekend mornings in a sunny park and dinner plans and moving next month and a calender full of out of town weekend trips all summer. I do NOT trust myself. I give that list and my hackles raise because my mindset is not there yet. I worry that I'm skipping the gray area again and going straight from one extreme to another, because I often do this: I am on or I am off. I am on, and I'm worried that I still should be off. I'm worried that I'm going to fail/fall/regress. I burst into tears yesterday afternoon because of this. But it's ok not to keep sitting down. If I have the guts I'm going to get stronger and sleeker and rosy. I don't reeeeally have a choice.