flat

It's true that in the past four days the only time I've spent with my lover is the thirty seconds it took him two days ago to get permission and then climb up on the set on the theater stage and join me, kiss me, tell me he loves me, and slip back away before the curtain call.

This is the part of life when I grab a deep breath after rushing home from work and then re-square my shoulders and fade into spotlights and entr'actes and one-more-time play-throughs until my contacts dessicate into my eyeballs and I DON'T EVEN CARE when I've stopped making sense. Sometimes it's hard to sleep after one of these five hour rehearsals and I am remembering now that this does tend to happen.

Then the alarm in the morning plays itself out. I never press snooze. I never have. But sometimes I will let the alarm play, and play, and play. I was dreaming this morning that I was covering my skin with green powder and that I'd just met a cousin I didn't know I had, and hole-punches. And warmth.

I got a flat tire last evening. I'm not sure if even I believe this, but it was my first one. I mean, I've never actually had a flat tire on my car, ever. This is why I haven't fallen in love with this new car. I do not trust it, and see? I shouldn't. I was late for rehearsal anyway, and it was blustery chilly, and the feel of the flat tire flapping didn't inspire me to action, it ripped me up a little and after I got out of the car to inspect it I just stood there, lip quivering. After a time, I tossed my oboe into the bike basket and pedaled across the neighborhood. Should have been doing that anyway.

S came over later to put the spare on for me while I was gone. I don't know how to express my gratitude for this, the simple feeling of safety his presence and constant willingness to come and help provides. I am coated in a layer of foam.

I didn't sleep for a long time last night because I was pinching pennies in my head, and I realized I can't pay for new tires until the next paycheck. I am embarrassingly down near the bottom of my checking account, again. AGAIN. I'm remembering how hard three weeks without a car at all was on me and trying to convince myself that I'll be able to do it better this time, this time when the car just stays parked until I can afford to re-shoe it.

I am not going to stay down, not today. I'm going to be well.