genius

The best/worst thing in my life these days is the discovery that I am capable of making absolutely killer homemade pizza hotpockets.

in portents

I dismiss everything as a coincidence these days. It's kind of the opposite of what I normally do. I'm not sure if it's proving helpful. Finding portents in the way the traffic flows and in almond milk and in the color of the carpet keeps me occupied, at the very least. But it's also a bit of a victory to not blame the half mile's jog.

I probably shouldn't have

Stopped at BK for a smoothie on the way home from work because I was grumpy

Gotten my hopes up about dumb things like... recovery

Watched five episodes of American's Next Top Model in one evening

Called out my mother-in-law on the {offensive} political vitriol she posts on facebook

Worn the same pair of disposable contact lenses for two months in a row, even after they started hurting

Written that sarcastic, jokey email that got forwarded to my boss and makes me look like a glib dumbass

Put off keeping in touch with my semi surrogate mother because I... because I... keep running out of things...

what even is that

Cake from the deep freeze still tastes like the day of the wedding, and feeding each other. There's another one--a wedding--this evening, even in the middle of the week. Stealing the spotlight from the president and his challenger (in my mind).

I misfired on Sunday/Monday and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. My eyes are still drooping shut and I'm trying to release the tension in my neck and cheeks. It's like the boys living a floor below us and their booming bass below our bed--even when it's not keeping me awake, I'm bracing for it. Tense, in case I have a reason to be so. This is 90% in my body. I am 90% handling it/not crazy. The other 10 is usually tears and huddling discomfortably under a blanket, but that's down from I'd say, 60, a few months ago. I wonder if it's food? Allergic to my tooth fillings? Allergic to my muscles? We still don't know, and the only thing we found last week when we looked in my head again were swollen membranes. What even is that.

Husband looks good in the new tie I bought him.

I can literally dress for days in clothes that my best friend handed down to me. I'm wearing her underwear today, and it's not weird. I benefit wildly from her long torso and the shirts and pants that don't quite hit right when they've shrunk up. I need to keep reminding myself to give back in turn (not clothes, but company, and encouragement, and warm ears). I am scent-oriented, and always have been, so there are times when I don't want to wash the sweater she gives me, because it still smells like her brand of spice and green things.

This is something that is bringing me a lot of happiness and nourishment these days. It's hard not to respect it. You should try. 

bragging

Oh my man. I've been married to you for a year. And it is not ridiculous to assume that I'm going to keep loving you incrementally more every single day of my life, because that's what's been happening so far. You frustrate me sometimes, and you can bewilder me with your man-logic and your collection of paradoxes, but oh, do I ever love you, all of you. You are empowering and patient and brilliant, and sometimes when we're lying in bed talking, you make me laugh so hard I can't breathe. You are music and dance and passion. You are something to be proud of and someone to delight in. My favorite thing about you is your empathy and the part in you that never ever tries to 'fix' my emotions--instead you celebrate my humanity and your own, never trying to shape either of us into anything artificial. You're very real. Practical and solid. You fit me so well, and you love me so well, and I wish there were a way to just let everyone know that this guy here? You know how great he is with friends/at work/with family? Well. You haven't seen the half of it. You should see what he is when he is in full on husband mode. He is absolutely stunning. I love you, babe.

Alvin

I'm not really sure how you mourn a man who was 92 and ready to die. I'm not really sure how you mourn a quiet, hardworking, dairy farmer whose skin sloughed itself off from decades in the sun. I'm sad because he had a strong cleft chin, and what if these go extinct? I'm sad because my grandma hasn't recognized him or anyone else for years, but now how will she stand being alone in the nursing home? I'm sad because my dad still called him 'daddy' and because he was the human version of gravity. Steadfast, solid, strong, serious. He always cried lately. So many of my memories of him are second hand because a shy girl and a shy grandpa never spent much time alone together, but I understand this, and it doesn't stop me from aching over his death, because even in his silence he was the strongest man in the world, and so, so, so good, of the concerted, deliberate, patient variety, the way my own father became in his footsteps. I'm sad because I wouldn't be here without him, and I haven't yet figured out what qualities I've inherited from him, and because this weekend we are saying goodbye to one of the most generous and GOOD (can I stress it more?) people who has ever lived, and definitely I'm sad because doesn't a grandparent dying always make you feel less connected? Another one of my roots isn't here any more. My family will be driving up to the NY/PA border this weekend. I guess this is how it's all meant to go.

life going off

Last night I saw a picture of my grandpa in his nursing home bed and immediately teared up and said to myself, 'my grandpa is going to die.' Then, this morning, he did.

gray Tuesday

The rain caught up to my desire for rain, and now I'm thinking it would be a good day for a pumpkin spice latte, but that would mean waiting in line. We need a recliner here.

I've had

I've had bacon and eggs and an adorable, hairy husband kneeling at my feet. I've had a rotten tummy (thanks, antibiotics!) and an abandoned walk. I've had a book a weekend, football, and dreams about invitations. I've had new neighbors below us who are college boys with a midnight passion for loud music, who have been agreeable when we ask them at 2:38 am to turn it down. I've had blueberries and a heartbeat and serious conversations and potting soil and a 50 foot radius. I've had an anachronistic desire for rain.

at large in the library for 30 minutes

A kid, trying to be courteous, held open the door to the stairs for me as I was coming up to his right pushing a full book cart. Oh, child. I can't walk these down. I thanked him anyway as I rolled past to the elevator. The building is always so full of smells when school is in session. I smell it all. I felt like I was chasing perfumes. The smell of the girl in the periodicals room was an A-, the dude in microforms room was a solid C. One of the stacks smelled like onions or body odor or both, and doesn't it suck so much that you can't always tell those apart?! There's a student whose name I saw today called Idayat and I KNOW that it's just an unfortunate collision with the English language, but I'm sorry on his/her behalf. Also, for no reason I can tell, I've had a rash of misidentifying ethnicities from behind. There are a lot of all sorts of people from all over the world in this building, and I love seeing all of them. And maybe this is vaguely racist? but I have misclassified a few people lately based on the back of their heads. Where am I going wrong? What else in my trip? I have a distaste for those glossy design periodicals, I'm sorry, I just can't work with them. They are all oversize and lacking page numbers. I'm only human. It's a better coup to find the needed material when they're in a magazine like this--one I'd much much rather cut up and make into a collage than try to nagivate. Ok, so I get to crow right now, I guess, for being better at my job than the people who tried to track this down before me! I think, though, that my ego is falsely inflated, because I only fixate on the times I am successful. It's ok. I need victories. I also needed the dark chocolate Hershey's kisses at the circulation desk. And the side staff door to tech services being unlocked for only the second day this week (THANK YOU), and the familiar way the 4th floor button in the stacks elevator always has to be pushed twice.