good morning

Very thankful to have the rest of the week off of work, and to have the first morning in nearly a month when neither S nor me are a slave to an alarm and to have an hour and more to spare in the mornings to sip our coffee and smile at each other and listen to a new episode of RadioLab. I am always going to be grateful to have married someone with bright eyes and ears and an endless curiosity that mirrors and magnifies my own. 

not guilty

My guilt sensors are way off. I definitely just profusely apologized for pushing my book cart through the microforms room when a stressed out lady told me that doing so was disrespectful because it distracted her from her research. Yeah. No. And lately I've felt that twinge of responsible guilt for things that went wrong that I had absolutely no connection to. A misplaced set of passenger van keys. An unlocked office door. A mystery beer cap falling out of a blanket. Times like this always remind me of the time when I was a child and a craft stand lady accused me of stealing a ring when I hadn't, to semi-traumatic results. I can use that to justify becoming an unrepentant actual thief and becoming the opposite. But in the meantime I'm having to cross my legs to not go back downstairs and again, DO MY JOB in front of the frazzled scolder, to remind her that I have the upper hand. I didn't.

good news

I found another pair of work pants in my closet that still fit! I have been growing a beer belly without the beer and without anything auspicious like pregnancy to back it up. I am glad to have at least one more pair of pants to wear during the week before I either stop eating cheese or start being able to walk/bike/run. Or bow to reality and go shopping.

I hit the trifecta of my personal city/state/country vote aligning with the rest of the city/state/country. It was exciting. Now we all need a nap and a renewed commitment to civility, innovation, and cooperation.

My Halloween costume appears to be destined to be used as pajamas (well, duh) for the indefinite future. We're all pleased here.

I'm feeling snuggly. I don't mind the advent of the cold. My work sweater fits me well.

go vote

1. I cannot BELIEVE S and I forgot to watch V for Vendetta yesterday evening.

2. I have been living my life thus far (movie watching aside) by letting decisions make themselves for me. I kind of like waiting until there's no other option, or someone else preempts my choice. That's how I ended up moving to Virginia, for example. Or staying here. I am fervently setting myself up for another non-decision in the next month or two. It's not very adult of me, but whatev.

3. This election season has been stressing me out, because I'm growing into a political being. It was not well timed, and it was NOT a decision, but rather the result of open ears, exposure to the very people governments like to marginalize, and an insatiable appetite for NPR. It was inevitable. And then I blocked my mother in law from my facebook. Heh. Anyway, all of you should vote. No matter for whom. Don't worry about my mother in law. I'm already going to be cancelling out her vote, and we'll be fine starting tomorrow. Feel free to add your vote in wherever and for whomever. But so help me god, the minute you start publicly posting hateful, offensive things about those with whom you disagree on facebook, boom.

4. I accidentally doubled the amount of coffee I drank this morning. Yikes. It might be a long/short day today.

no straight lines

I remember how a year ago on Halloween someone didn't recognize me, even sitting at my desk. This year there was no question, and I went home and took a nap without much chocolate.

I slept like a rotisserie chicken last night. My health is not good (this year/week). I am dripping with whine. So all I've managed to do is hang a few posters.

I think I have to wait for the new year to do whatever it will be to finally get a clear head? I'm partially just mad because this will be the third Thanksgiving in a row that I've been not-optimal, and I love Thanksgiving. It had always been a favorite.

I did scrub out the bathtub rather furiously and then lie on my back in it and think about volcanoes, and I did listen to a lovely Tchaikovsky symphony in the evening. And yesterday I handled a long morning with music and clapping and an Italian lunch even though I kept taking honesty personally. S cut up a pomegranate for us to share and there was a lot of room for snuggling and talking about election history for the rest of the day.

It's even harder to talk in straight lines these days than it used to be--I'm sorry! I'm stuck in a year long head cold.

ZINNIAS

Zinnias, stout and stiff,
Stand no nonsense: their colors
Stare, their leaves
Grow straight out, their petals
Jut like clipped cardboard,
Round, in neat flat rings.

Even cut and bunched,
Arranged to please us
In the house, in water, they
Will hardly wilt--I know
Someone like zinnias; I wish
I were like zinnias.

~Valerie Worth

getting used to things

Today, it's a year of the virus that has been the biggest bitch, ever. A year! I haven't said much (or said much at all) about it lately because... uh. We're all just tired. I do kind of think I'm getting my feet under me again, because I always think that. But I've also been keeping track of the days that suck so much they make me cry, and there have been only four so far this month. There were seven in September. And believe it or not, two whole days this month during which I felt perfectly normal from morning til night (!!). So, it's better. I still can't do anything. I'm still spending most of my free time on the couch. Not strong or steady enough to walk or bike to work. I'm getting quite puffy because of it. But I am pretty confident in my ability to tough out the normal stuff. My days are no longer a constant battle to make it to the next hour. And I haven't let not feeling well keep me away from doing the kinds of social things healthy April loves. So. Screw it. I do feel better when I think I feel better. I keep trying that.

I'm really happy with a few things about myself, including my eyelashes and my feet.

And a patron just dropped off a 3 lb box of assorted cookies for me as a thank you.

I am reminding myself that I am flexible and adaptable, despite the fact that I resist change with a growling, toe dragging fervor. Who I am is changing. Work is changing. My plans are changing. And I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I get used to things. It's my superpower. I get used to things.

bent on undoing

I had a dentist appointment today and so afterward I found myself drinking cherry coke. That's like me.

I am feeling work stress. I am feeling wronged. I am feeling lucky, anyway.

genius

The best/worst thing in my life these days is the discovery that I am capable of making absolutely killer homemade pizza hotpockets.

in portents

I dismiss everything as a coincidence these days. It's kind of the opposite of what I normally do. I'm not sure if it's proving helpful. Finding portents in the way the traffic flows and in almond milk and in the color of the carpet keeps me occupied, at the very least. But it's also a bit of a victory to not blame the half mile's jog.